This is a photo of a T-shirt. This photo, specifically, is of a t-shirt you can buy on ebay. Earlier today Molly saw a man on the street wearing this t-shirt and asked me about it, since I like noise music.
"I saw a guy with a Blitzkrieg Noise Fest shirt on today. I was going to ask him about it but then didn’t."
"Huh. Never heard of it. Also, it’s weird they’d call a European noise fest ‘Blitzkrieg’ since, you know, Hitler.”
We did some googling, trying to suss out when and where this unfortunately named noise festival took place, and who performed in it. We came up empty handed, though not because it is a well kept secret or small event without an internet presence. We came up empty handed because the Blitzkrieg Fest, “europe’s best digital noise artists & performers” doesn’t actually exist.
As far as I can put together, based on this very short post, this t-shirt was sold for a very short amount of time by the chain clothing company Express. I imagine that Express, much like the Urban Outfitters and Hot Topics and other popular chain clothing stores of the world, is in the business of selling pre-vintage’d t-shirts. I also imagine it’s easier (and cheaper) to invent an event or brand or property to put on your shirt instead of trying to buy the rights to something else, though clearly that happens as well (smash cut to groups of people walking around the East Village who don’t know they’re wearing Joy Division or Black Flag t-shirts).
This t-shirt is more vexing than other faux-vintage specimens of its ilk, though, for two reasons: 1) It is an invented noise music event. Punk rock and New Wave, sure, but Noise? Are we finally at that point where noise is a cool thing to advertise your involvement in or familiarity with? I’m not saying it isn’t or shouldn’t be, or that you should get off my lawn… but to be clear I am sitting very quietly and nearly motionless in the rocking chair on my porch, squinting and clearly thinking about telling you to get off my lawn if you don’t, very soon, get the hell off my lawn. 2) BLITZKRIEG? REALLY? This conjures up two other sub-possibilities: 2a) Someone was tasked with creating a t-shirt for a fictional European noise music festival and needed to come up with a suitably aggressive, noisey-sounding fake name for the fake thing and they were like HHHHMMMMM BLITZKRIEG SOUNDS PRETTY BAD ASS SO LETS JUST GO WITH THAT and then once the top brass saw the t-shirts on the shelves they were like OH WHOOPS, took it down and that person was promptly fired OR! 2b) (and for the record this is the one I hope is true) someone did this on purpose.
I hope beyond hope the person who was handed the brief or pitch or demands etched into human skin, or however Express does it, is a noisenik. And I hope when they saw what they were tasked with creating they went out of their way to craft a shirt with an appropriate enough sounding but ultimately problematic name so that it would get on shelves, into hands and on bodies. I hope the person who made this shirt did so with the intention and hopes of trolling, for lack of a better word, in some distant and oblique way, any person who was hoping to gain some sort of cultural capital by wearing this fake European noise fest t-shirt.
Also: get off my lawn.
/plays the sound of metal cans being crushed at 200dB